Pattern.

I have noticed a pattern.  For some, this might be a Captain Obvious moment.  For me, this is a breakthrough:

lack of sleep—>sleepyness=difficult to get things done

Common sense, right?  Let’s factor in my eating disorder:

lack of sleep —>sleepyness—>intense sugar cravings—>sugar binge—>sleepyness considerably lessened=get things done

So if I change the pattern:

go to bed earlier—>less/not sleepy during the day—>less/no sugar cravings—>no binge

or

lack of sleep—>sleepyness—>take a nap during work break—>less/no sugar cravings—>no binge

Time to change the pattern.  Easier said than done; we all know that old habits die hard, but it’s time to kill this one.

She Shoots…

…She scores?  Well, we shall see.  I just did something I have never done before: I have set a goal.

My goal is to lose 40 pounds by my 40th birthday, September 11 of this year.  That’s 33 weeks and 5 days away.  To do this, I need to lose an average of 1.19 lb per week.  No, I didn’t figure this out on my own; I purchased and downloaded the FitDay program a long time ago, and it’s time I used it. 

FitDay allows me to track my food, calories, nutrition, and activity.  Reading Julie Hadden’s book below, I realized the importance of being aware of my caloric intake.  This is a tough spot for people like me with Binge Eating Disorder, but I need to take this step. 

I will reach this goal by:

1.  Keeping my already excellent fiber intake up, keep drinking water (I drink about 80 oz per day)

2.  Keeping up my two days on/one day off workouts (cardio and strength)

3.  Tracking my information using FitDay and eating according to the basics of the South Beach Diet 

4.  Keeping myself accountable by weighing in once a week…Monday nights…and…although this terrifies and embarasses me…posting it here.

My inspirations:

Julie Hadden, who was a contestant on “The Biggest Loser” a few seasons back.  I am reading her book, “Fat Chance,” and it is changing my perspective not only on losing weight, but on how God needs to be my focus as I do so.

Valerie Bertinelli, whose “Losing It and Keeping Fit” workout yesterday made me realize that I actually do have muscles in my lower abdomen today.  Although I cannot afford the Jenny Craig program she endorses, I do admire the way she put herself out there and has maintained her weight loss through fitness.  Plus, she is adorable.

Jillian Michaels.  Yes, the very person I was terrified of a week or so ago.  Reading Julie’s experience in the book I mentioned above has given me a new respect for Ms. Michaels; she is the real deal, has been fat and knows what it feels like, and has a heart for helping people, even if she does refer to this help as “beating.”

My online friend, Barb, mentioned in this post.  She released the weight and works hard to keep it off.  I know that when I am up at 6, she is up too, only she is several time zones away and it’s 4 AM for her.  Her example shows me that it is possible for me to do this!

I had to get honest with myself.  I have never set goals in the past out of fear of failure.  It scares me that once I release these 40 pounds, I will have another 40 to go.  But it’s a great start and I know my body will thank me.

God help me.  So here it goes.  Last night I weighed 213 pounds.  I am just a little over 5′ 1″, which puts me at a BMI of 40.2, which is considered morbidly obese.  Once I get this below 40, I will be just plain ol’ obese.  I can handle that.  I have been here for a long time, but I don’t intend to stay.

My “before” pic, taken by my son:

Early Riser.

When I used to commute to work (for those just joining us, I work from home and love my job), I used to get up at 5:30, get myself ready, then my kids, and the three of us skipped out the door together.  They were able to attend the school in which I taught for free.  We were always early so that I would have time to get any last-minute classroom things in order, and we were required to be at morning prayer at 8:15.  One of my colleagues was always late, and it annoyed the crap out of me because she bragged about how she slept until 7:00 and could not get out of bed at that early hour. 

Fast-forward to today, when my son has to be ready for school by 8:45, and thus up at 7:30.  Getting up at 7:30 suddenly became “early” to me, yet this was two hours later than my former wake up time!

In my quest to get to a healthy weight, I realized that if I did not wake up and get my workout done by the time my son had to be up, it would not get done.  My husband now wakes me up when he is finished getting ready (we only have one bathroom), which works out to be between 6:00-6:10.  I used to be quite the princess, getting up at 7:30, taking my probiotic (recommended on an empty stomach), waiting until I got hungry to have breakfast (usually a good hour or more later), etc.

One of my online friends gets up at 4 AM to work out everyday.  She lost 65 pounds and has kept it off (she looks AMAZING), and has even been in a Leslie Sansone workout video!  When I feel super tired, I think of Barb getting up at 4, and I think to myself “you have nothing to complain about.” I am grateful to her for this inspiration! :-)

I now take my probiotic with lots of water (I wake up pretty well hydrated) in the middle of the night when I wake up to use the loo, start the day with some high fiber (10 grams) oatmeal, more water, and I am working out by 6:30.  I usually finish early enough to be showered before my little guy gets up, but I don’t stress if that doesn’t happen; I’ll just take it after he gets on the bus.

I have shown myself that if I want to work out, I can do it.  If I am sleepy later in the day, I am blessed to be able to take a power nap.  I’m counting my blessings instead of taking them for granted.

So far I am thinking I need to work out for two days, rest for one, and continue this pattern.  I am working out hard…intense…doing 45 minutes of cardio alternating days with full-body strength training.  This works best for me; I know many people prefer to split upper/lower body and that’s fine, but I prefer to do the whole she-bang at once.

This gets me 5 workouts per week, which is good, and I don’t feel overwhelmed.

I can do this.

Fail.

Oh well.  I made it until 4:00 without a binge.  One day at a time.  Tomorrow is another day, Scarlett.

Square One, Phase One.

Tomorrow marks the seventh anniversary of my mother’s death.  Being that this past year was so difficult in so many ways, this particular anniversary is especially painful.  On the one hand, I praise God that He carried me through and showed me my strength, yet on the other hand I miss my mommy and really could have used her love and support this past year.

One of my friends who is also in recovery from Binge Eating Disorder reminded me a few months back that our weight correlates with our abstinence, meaning if my abstinence from bingeing is going well my weight will go down, and the more I binge the more my weight will rise.

I decided to get on the scale tonight, and I am now at my heaviest weight ever.  The past few days have been New Binge City.  I decided to share my binges with my husband; I think the intensity surprised him.  I have never shared my binges like that before.  It was embarrassing, but I knew I had to do it. 

My goal is to celebrate my mother’s life by finally beginning to take care of mine.  That’s right: back to South Beach Phase I.  It works for me.  My cravings will be killed within a few days, and then it’ll be time to move to Phase II.  Today I started to take the Big Red Cadillac for a week’s journey down the avenue of womanhood (my new favorite menstrual euphemism), so this will be especially challenging, but it is time.

Pray for me, mom.  Your soul has been perfected in Heaven; my soul is in pain.  Thank you…I love you and miss you.

My First Loser.

Last night I recorded “The Biggest Loser” so that I could watch it today.  I have never seen the show before, even though this is apparantly the ninth season.  I was surprised to find Sami from “Days of our Lives” (a show from my distant past, yet I remember every smarmy detail LOL), Allison Sweeney hosting.  Next to “Green Jobs Czar,” her presence could arguably be the least necessary job on the planet.  I know, I know…she used to be “fat” by Hollywood’s standards and now she’s not.  My ex-husband used to say she was the fattest thin person he had ever seen; I used to think “well then I must be a whale” every time he said that.  Regardless…do we really need her there?

SPOILER ALERT:  I’m gonna tell you what happened, so stop reading if you haven’t watched it yet and you plan to.

Never having seen the show, the introduction scared the crap out of me.  I mean I literally felt anxiety watching trainers Jillian and Bob screaming at these people as they paraded around with their bellies hanging out, forced to be weighed publicly in their hometowns.  I was horrified.  Was this really necessary?  Trust me when I say, we fat people do not need to be humiliated like this; we take care of that on a daily basis by ourselves every time we shower, sit on the toilet, or catch our reflection in a store window.

I had to stop for a few moments and ask myself if I wanted to continue watching.  Having Binge Eating Disorder means understanding and embracing…even owning every word these people say, every tear that falls.  I posted my thoughts on Facebook:

“…is watching “The Biggest Loser” that I recorded last night. So far it is making me incredibly uncomfortable. Hopefully that will change.”

Several of my friends, including my cousin, encouraged me to keep watching.  My friend Al (the one mentioned in my “About Me” encouraged me to blog my reactions, and because I think he is really smart and has awesome ideas, I am doing just that. :-)

This season is all about “couples.”  Each couple is a “team” identified by color.  The first hour gave us the opportunity to get to know the contestants, most of whom were incredibly good-looking regardless of their weight.  I was immediately drawn to the Italian mother-son team from Chicago, the white team…hey, they’re “my people!”  In any case, my heart broke as they shared their stories, because they were my stories too.  Nobody admitted to binges or sugar addicition (my main issues), but I could relate to the embarassment, the shame, the need to hide/isolate.  I tried to find the contestant who I felt looked most like me, body-wise.  I do this everywhere I go.

After the public humiliation and admiration of these beautiful people, they were zapped off to “The Campus,” which I assume is the name of the beautiful California parklike setting where the show is filmed.  There, they were met by Bob and Jillian.  I have Jillian’s 2009 Wii game, but I bought it used and I can’t figure out how to use it, so I bought the 2010 version and have yet to try it.  All I knew about her was that she is tough, likes to bring out the “warrior” in people, and has great hair.  As for Bob, I only knew of him through a clip I saw on “The Soup” where he berated a contestant and then stomped off, whining and cursing like an overgrown toddler. 

After the introduction, I expected the pair of them to break out the can of whoopass right away, and in effect they did, making the teams bike 26.2 miles.  The winning team would earn immunity; the slowest two teams would be sent home.  I was shocked that they would take these morbidly obese people and make them do this, but they seemed confident in the abilities of their medical staff.  I guess Dr. Rob Huizenga’s healing hands can unclog arteries with a single touch?  In any case, I have never seen people sweat like that.  It was inspiring.  The two losing teams were an adorable mother-daughter (blue team) and an equally adorable father-daughter (yellow) team.  The blue team mom had beat breast cancer, but unbearably painful cramps forced her to stop riding.  Her gorgeous daughter continued, in my opinion, kicking ass.  The yellow team father was a huggably adorable teddy bear of a guy who you just could not help but like; his daughter was beautiful and named Sunshine…again, how can you not like these people?  They were told they were being sent home, and they were crying in the limosenes until Bob and Jillian came out and told them separately that they would be back in a month to compete against each other.  Of course, Bob and Jillian would be helping them.  Interesting twist.  I hear they do things like that on this show.

We were then informed that this is the fattest, most unhealthiest group they have ever had.  My Italian boy was 30 years old and over 500 pounds.  There were twins who weighed 30 pounds short of a half-ton.  The pink team (mother-daughter) daughter was the heaviest female contestant ever.  With each revelation, my heart broke a little more.

Nobody likes puking, although the episode of “Daisy of Love” when the skunk gets into the house and all of the musclehead beefcakes start freaking out and puking was hilarious.  Sadly, there was some puking as Bob and Jillian unleashed their fury and had these people work out in a way that made Rocky’s Russian training sequence look like a piece of cake (pun absolutely intended).  I did note that the contestants were closely monitored and although they were pushed to their limits, they were encouraged to modify, as in the case of the twins walking in a pool.

After this, there was the obligatory group therapy session, where my heart broke even further.  The pain flowed with the tears.  It was like hearing my own story over and over again.

Finally, the weigh-in.  Al assured me that the weigh-in was “pure joy,” and for the most part, he was right!  Their weight losses were enormous, ranging from just under 20 pounds to almost 40 pounds IN ONE WEEK.  Watching them react to their nearly inhuman weight loss was awesome.  The way they dragged out the weigh-in (insert Sami here) was, well, a drag.  I found myself fast forwarding through some of it, and even counting the beeps the scale made.  Purple mother-daughter team won.  The twins lost.  This meant the rest of the people would have to vote one twin off, and you could tell it was not easy.  In the end, they sent home the twin that did not have to work and could thus focus on his health, and they showed you that two months later he was already 100 pounds down.

My friend Cheryl made an excellent point: what bothered me the most was that despite these dazzling weight losses, I couldn’t be sure that the underlying conditions that caused their obesity was being addressed.  I know from experience that if you don’t deal with the root, you will never stay thin.  I have lost 50+ pounds TWICE…not including pregnancy weight gain…I have been thin and now I am obese.  Trust me.  It’s not about the food.

In the end, I was glad I watched.  It did inspire me to start pushing myself to exercise more strenuously.  It’s always nice to spend time with people to whom I can relate, even if they are on TV.  And I can honestly say that Jillian and Bob aren’t that scary.  But then again…they’re far, far away in TV Land too.  I am safe…for now.

2010.

Happy New Year!  I am back on Phase I starting tomorrow or Sunday.  I realized the strength of my sugar addiction when I chose to consume sugar through the holidays, and I am ready to bid it farewell.  It felt so good to be off sugar!  I was clearheaded, my skin was happy, and it just felt great.  My goals this year are to work up to exercising 5 days a week, stick to my plan of eating, and work toward a healthy weight.

I wish all of you peace, joy, and comfort in the coming year!

SBD Day Three

<–Aren’t they adorable?  I love hedgehogs…a leftover love from my Jan Brett elementary school teaching days!

Greetings!  I am starting day three of SBD Phase I today.  Phase I is short…two weeks or less…and basically you load up on lean protein/low-fat dairy/beans/legumes/nuts and LOTS of vegetables, which stabilizes your blood sugar (I needed that BIG TIME) and executes your sugar cravings.

I can already tell this is not a “diet” for several reasons:

1) I am not starving, exhausted, or feeling irritable.

2) I know this phase will end soon, but I still feel good about being on it rather than resentful that I have guidelines to follow.  This was my main problem w/Weight Watchers; I was limited by my “points” and I would rebel against them like the baby that I am within my disease.

3) I have discovered that within two days of ditching sugar, my cravings are nearly gone, my skin is clearer, and my belly-bloat has disappeared.

At the end of day one, I noted to my husband that it only took one day for me to realize that I was addicted to carbs, and not the good kind.  I’m talking refined/white/sugar.  My body has become dependant on them for quick energy, but we all know that quick energy ends with a crash, which I would follow with…you guessed it…more carbs.  When I begin Phase II, good carbs will be reintroduced, such as whole grains, fresh fruit, etc.

The cool thing about Phase I is that it doesn’t give me anything at which to rebel.  I can eat as much as I want until I am satisfied.  The lack of restrictions means no deprivation, and thus no need to binge.  It’s like reverse psychology for Binge Eating Disorder.

I am a huge fan of very dark chocolate, and the recipe below has been my craving killer.  I made some modifications to it, because I do not use artificial sweeteners, so I’ll put those in parenthesis.

From The South Beach Diet Supercharged by Dr. Arthur Agatston, (c) 2008, page 232:

Vanilla Ricotta Creme

1/2 cup part-skim ricotta cheese

1/4 tsp vanilla extract (or use almond if you prefer…any extract will do!  I add 1-2 teaspoons of unsweetened cocoa powder…KILLS my chocolate cravings!)

1 package granular sugar substitute (I use agave nectar)

Mix and eat, or chill for later. 

Being Italian, this appeals to me.  My Lithuanian husband?  Not so much.  :-D

I did have a bit of a headache at the end of Day 1, but that has happened every single time I have attempted to ditch sugar.  It was bearable because I could eat rather than starve through it!  Day 2…nothing.  We even went out to lunch and I ate a giant salad, grilled rosemary chicken, mashed “potatoes” made with cauliflower (topped with a little bacon and cheese) and delicious fresh green beans.  Yeah, I was really “suffering” on this plan of eating! *sarcasm* :-D

So it’s day three…I have released 4 pounds (when you have 75 pounds to release, Phase I is a great jump-start)…and I am excited about facing this day instead of dreading the food battle of the day.  Thank you, Jesus!

Plan of Eating.

<–Actual South Beach picture taken by A of me and one of the many beautiful lifeguard towers!

Overeaters Anonymous requires a “plan of eating” while in recovery (which means FOREVER).  This is so that you have a solid plan to stick to and refer back to.  They do not give you one.  You work with your sponsor and figure out one that will work for you.  (Correction: A plan of eating is strongly recommended by OA…not required…thank you, Steve!) :-D

I have quoted Geneen Roth before: “For every diet, there is an equal and opposite binge.”  I have found this to be true.

Yet I needed a plan of eating.  I prayed and considered joining Weight Watchers for the 4,000th time, but realized that would not work for me.  Don’t get me wrong; WW is awesome.  But I have an eating disorder that does not allow for restriction of food.

So I started doing some research and chose what had worked for me in the past: The South Beach Diet (SBD). 

Back in 2004-2005, I was still working at the private Christian school I wrote about many moons ago (not worth revisiting).  The best part about working there was the few people who I grew to love, and still keep in touch with.  One of them is A, my best friend and sister in Christ.  I have written about her before.  She came to work there two days before school started; they were in desperate need of a kindergarten teacher, she had graduated from the school 10 years earlier, and had called the principal to wish her a great year.  She wound up with a job, and being that I was the first grade teacher (I LOVED teaching first grade!), I had the pleasure of showing her the ropes.  We became fast friends and have been ever since.  I love her more than words can say; we share a connection that is intense and spiritual, and I am so blessed to have her in my life.

She told me about the SBD, and how it was not so much a “diet” in the weight loss sense, but a way of eating.  We stuck to it and lost a TON of weight, felt great, etc.  Then she moved to FL to attend Occupational Therapy School (okay, it wasn’t actually called that, but it’s fun to write) and I gave up on SBD.

Back to last night.  I was looking into WW when all of a sudden I remembered how well we did on the SBD.  What I like about SBD is that it has guidelines rather than rules, which are helpful for me when it comes to my binge eating disorder.  It is healthy, good for heart health, and doesn’t require weighing/measuring.  It also doesn’t limit your food after Phase I, where you avoid all sugars and carbohydrates.  Phase I is really short…two weeks or less…and it is good for me because I have a lot of weight to release and MAJOR sugar/carb cravings…Phase I eliminates them.  I decided to start today.

As of right now (9:19 am EST), I have not eaten.  I have taken my probiotic, but that’s it.  I am off to make an omlette with veggies and cheese.  It’s going to be great. :-)

I pray that this plan of eating will help me in my Recovery…and I believe that God will keep His hand on me and guide me through.  I have peace with this plan of eating, something I have not felt toward food in a long time.

Fatting Out.

Right now you are either laughing or scrunching up your face/scratching your head trying to decipher the title of this post. 

I won’t leave you hanging.  When my son grows too big for his clothes, I say he has “outgrown” them.  When I gain weight and my clothes no longer fit, I say that I have “fatted out” of them because “outfat” sounds like I am in a weight-gaining competition, or mispronouncing a wardrobe ensemble.

It’s cold out there (I LOVE IT!) and today I broke out the winter coat that I have worn since Winter 2003.  I love my winter coat; it is a black Land’s End Squall parka, and it is perfect.  The past six years of wear do not show.  So I pulled it out of the closet, slapped it on, and…

I fatted out.

Too tight. 

I cold zip it, but I felt like a plump Italian sausage.

Darn it.

My first response was to berate myself internally, until I realized that there was nothing wrong with fatting out.  Fatting out did not make me a failure.  It meant that the size of my body was reflecting my disease (Binge Eating Disorder) and how I attempted to care for myself during the past year, which was all-in-all the most difficult of my life.

I had to stop those ghosts in my head from getting a grip long enough to make a decision.  I had to either 1) lose weight quickly so that I could keep wearing my coat, or 2) get a new one in a bigger size.

Fat people will understand what I am about to say: we don’t like to buy bigger sizes because we are always thinking it will be a waste, that we will somehow get to our goal weights and the bigger size will be rendered useless.  Some fat people de-fat enough to have this be an accurate prediction.  Not me.

I checked eBay (nothing).  Thank God Land’s End extended their 25% off /Free Shipping promotion another day.  My new, plus-sized winter coat was deeply discounted, and I got gloves (also needed) to match. 

It’s time for me to let go of the past and move forward.  The size of my coat is not a reflection of anything more that what I mentioned earlier.  It is the reflection of my attempt to care for myself in the year from HELL.