Circus.

This post has nothing to do with Britney Spears.

I am going to the circus today!  When panic disorder is a part of your life, such things are not enjoyable family fun; they are a stage set for potential terror.  I have been very excited about going, and again I have to credit God and His anointing of the Citalopram.

A few months back, I received an e-mail from Ringling Bros. Circus (through the ripoff artists at Ticketmaster) with a link to purchase $10 seats.  You bet your sweet bippie I jumped on that one!  My children have never been to the circus, and I haven’t gone since college!  We wound up getting really good seats.

I haven’t written about this before, but my daughter has been battling panic disorder.  She is in middle school; a tough age for anyone, but especially tough when you have anything that makes you “different.”  I am hoping that she has a good time at the circus today.  I walk a fine line between helping her and enabling, so I “require” her to do certain things in order to bring a sense of normalcy to her life.  The past several months have been very stressful and difficult for both of us, but I am very proud of how she is finally open to taking all of the steps she needs to get her life back.

I had panic attacks when I was her age too, but did not know what they were.  Being a good guilty Catholic girl, I assumed that God was punishing me for being bad, thinking bad thoughts, etc.  My mother always said things like “ahhh, see?  God was punishing you!” and thus I assumed that spontaneous and massive adrenaline rushes combined with intense fear, rapid heartbeat, sensory overload and the need to jump out of my skin were  His method of choice when it came to punishing me.  I had not yet learned about how God is our loving Father and does not cause anything bad to come upon us (though He does allow challenges to come before us that, with His help, will cause us to grow closer to Him and to become more generally rockin’ people.)

I am excited for my daughter; she has the potential to not “lose” the years that I did by getting well now.  It is my hope and prayer that she will be able to soar through life rather than hide from it as I have done for so many years, equipped with the tools she needs to manage her panic.  Even better, perhaps her panic will be completely eliminated.  That would be my ultimate prayer for her.

Natasha Richardson.

Celebrities hold no thrill for me.  I view them as people whose profession is to entertain, and nothing more.  The death of Natasha Richardson has struck a chord in me unlike I have ever known, as far as celebrity deaths go.

Is it something real, such as was it that she was only 7 years older than I am?  Or is it that she was what a woman ought to aspire to be…gracious, elegant, the embodiment of class?  She possessed a beauty that, in my opinion, transcended aesthetics, and she was talented both by birthright and by her own accord.  Yet at no time did she appear to be anything less than thoroughly lovely; there was no ego, no loftiness.  She was generous with her time, and private when it came to her personal life.

Perhaps it is the sheer fragility of life.  That somoeone in good health can be fatally injured in a seemingly minor accident.  The Best Man at our wedding lost his father in the same way; his father fell off of a truck, hit his head, and seemed fine.  Shortly thereafter, he died from his injuries.  It was shocking, heartbreaking, and unfair to him and all of those who knew and loved him.

Maybe it is because once you know what it is to be motherless, your heart breaks for the children left behind.

Whatever it is, my prayers are with her, and the many people who have been on my heart lately.  Sometimes I feel like I could pray all day and not cover all of the people and things that I want to remember to pray for; yet I know that God knows what those things are and sometimes I need not repeat myself.  He knows my heart.

Time.

This morning found me thinking about time.  People waste it, use it, write songs about it, take it for granted, and it’s the one thing you can’t get back.  I cannot believe that I am 38 years old; I still feel like a kid most of the time.  With my own children, I find I have to remind myself that I am the adult. 

What are your thoughts on time?

Let Me Get This Straight.

As I have written before:I’m new to this whole political thing, but I have come to one understanding.  In the words of my rabidly liberal brother, “Candidates lie to get elected, then they change after they get into office.  Everybody does it.”  I tend to side with the “If everybody were jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge, would you do it too?” crowd, but I think my brother is correct on this one.

Case in point: back on September 15, our current President mocked then-rival John McCain for stating “The fundamentals of our economy is strong.”  That very day, President Teleprompter Obama smugly retorted, “What economy are you talking about?” 

Now that he has scared the ever living shit out of Americans with his seemingly endless push to sell his ridiculous spending package, he has changed his tune, claiming that there are “fundamentally sound aspects of our economy.”  Let me get this straight: he portrayed Senator McCain as an out-of-touch windbag.  Made an example of him.  Now he’s using the Senator’s words?

I am all for speaking positive words over a situation, calling good things into existence, speaking things not as though they are…but it’s a little late for that after President Spending My Children’s FutureObama spewed his negative sales-pitch rhetoric all over the economy, don’t you think?

So what’s the deal, President BarryObama?  Are we in an economy from which we may not recover (isn’t that what he said last month?), or are things looking good?  The stock market sure isn’t.  Sounds like the market Powers That Be don’t have much confidence in our President.  Even the price of gold has dropped from a high of just over $1,000/oz to today’s $922.82.  Sounds pretty sucky to me.

What pisses me off is that he fooled so many people into thinking he was going to be this incredible Conqueror of Change, when in reality he has shown himself to be a Socialist with his own agenda, rather than the agenda for our country that he preached about so eloquently throughout his campaign.

A little integrity would be nice.  My only consolation is that there is the chance that by the time President Hypocrite is up for re-election, his faithful followers may realize that he is a liar and a spendthrift, and he won’t get re-elected.  Perhaps by then, the truth about his interactions with his slimy “former” friends back in Chicago will come out; he has worked awfully hard to suppress them, I’m sure.  Dolly Parton said it well: “You’re known by the company you keep.”

The Bible says it best: Things done in secret will be brought to light, and we reap what we sow.

Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. -John 8:32

Yes I WORK from home; this means I do WORK.

I work from home, and I love it.  For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to work from home.  Countless hours have been spent researching legitimate work, initially to no avail.  I gave up and went to work outside the home.  When the private school in which I taught closed, I was at a loss.  My husband and I agreed that I would take some time off as our children adjusted to their new schools (they had been able to attend the school in which I taught for free); once this time period ended, I began looking for work.  It is my understanding that things are even tougher now than they were then (December 2007), but I gave it my best.  It took a lot of perseverance, but I wound up with what I consider the perfect job for me.  It combines all of the goals I set for myself as a youth, most of which took a necessary and temporary back seat to life’s curves.  God is good, and I am doing my dream job.

I have now been working from home for nearly a year, if you count the intense and amazing training I went through prior to beginning my actual job.  I have learned many things, and have had incredibble support from mentors and colleagues as well as my friend Melissa, who works partially from home and has given me excellent advice (thank you Mel!)

My children understand that my job is like any other job, only I do not leave the house to go to work.  I have explained to my little son, “when I am working, pretend that I have gone off to work somewhere.  I am not home; I am at work.”  It isn’t that I don’t want to talk to my children; quite simply, I have a lot to do and I do my best to get it done when they are not around, but this is not always possible.

People’s responses to my working at home have been interesting.  I have to treat my job like any other: there is a time for work, time for breaks, time for socializing.  I usually begin working in the morning, and I work the same amount of hours (if not more) than when I was teaching full-time.  When I am working, I do not answer the phone, because I am working and I do not have time to stop and chat when I am “in the zone.”  This is something that people have a hard time understanding; they think “well, she is home, she should answer the phone.”  In all honesty: if you are not my children’s school, my father, my husband, A, or Mel, I will call you back later if you leave a message.

Another thing: my days off are Saturday and Monday.  I work on Sunday.  This is no big deal; I am used to it.  I have some job requirements that have to be in place on Sundays and that is fine with me.  People think that because I can work from home, I can take off any days I want.  Like anyone else who is working, this is not the case.  I cannot attend certain functions on Sundays.  Sometimes I want to scream, “DON’T YOU GET IT??!! I HAVE TO WORK!!” followed by “I LOVE MY JOB AND I WANT TO WORK.”  I don’t expect you to take days off from work to go to my functions; please don’t expect the same of me.  I have to work, period. 

Working from home is wonderful, and yes there is some flexibility to it.  Now that I am working full-time, I have had to make some adjustments to my schedule, and it’s all good.  I am home when my children need me, I do not have a commute, I work with amazing people, and I am blessed.  I thank God every single day for this incredible job; it is truly a dream come true for me.