The hardest thing to understand about faith is that it really is the evidence of things unseen. We over-intellectualize it; we try to make sense of it, and in doing so we complicate the simple. God is good. Period. He does not bring bad things upon us; it is His wish that we have life, and have it more abundantly. He made us to love and be loved. I know He has a plan for me, and that with Him, all things work together for good. They just suck right now.
Yesterday was a rough day. My daughter had a psychologist appointment early in the morning (school vacation…morning appointment) and her/our first psychiatrist appointment right afterward. By the time it was over, I was drained. For me, feeling drained is physical, mental and emotional. I worked all afternoon and tried to rest in between.
What I really needed was a soft place to fall. I can only fall so much when it comes to my friends, who are great and I am so blessed by them. But when someone needs a soft place to fall, it is usually a parent or a spouse who catches them. In these times, I miss my mother terribly. I am still working through many of the issues that she left behind in me, namely my Binge Eating Disorder and self-esteem/body image issues. As I have written before, it’s not about blame; it’s about what we have to do to survive. Lately I have been able to think about happier times with my mother, and how she just plain loved me. She would have been there with me in the hospital waiting room; she would have held me when I got home and finally had the luxury of losing it. In short, I would have had less to bear on my own.
I’m not feeling sorry for myself. Keep in mind that I am fighting the good fight against depression myself, and my daughter has joined this dark, painful club. I feel worse for her than for me. My Citalopram continues to work beautifully. She was taken off Citalopram and put on a different antidepressant, plus a mood stabilizer. She is not bipolar, but she does have mood issues.
I feel blindsided. I didn’t see this coming. My daughter is a great kid. She is polite, funny, and amazingly wonderful just to hang out with. I rarely have to correct her, much less discipline her. She is not perfect, but she is really fabulous. As a mother, I ask myself how she could wind up depressed. Heredity? All of her doctors have pointed that out. She has also endured some difficult situations, which added to it. I can’t help but feel a bit at fault.
So I just plain want my mommy. Mommy had the ability to make the bad dreams go away, to shoo away the monsters under my bed. She could soothe a boo boo by blowing on it and had incredible hugs that could make me forget why I hurt in the first place. When I got dumped by my first love, she took me to Lake Ronkonkoma and just held me while I cried in the car.
She was magic.
