The first feeling that I have right now is sadness. The summer is almost over, and while I absolutely hate the heat, I will miss my kids when they go back to school. They are growing up so fast, and I feel like I want to savour every moment. J starts 8th grade and S starts 3rd; I remember these grades so vividly, and it is strange to think that they are right where I was.
Another feeling I am dealing with is anxiety. Having battled Panic Disorder in the past, I thank God that He is dealing with my anxiety and teaching me how to keep my thoughts in the present. My anxiety is rooted in a few things, but the main two are from separation anxiety and a fear of death. I think I am fortunate to be able to nail the root of it; makes it easier to deal with in some ways.
Ahhh, a good feeling: LOVE. Yesterday I got to see my friend Tom for the first time in many years. Though we have always kept in touch, it was nice to actually see him. Tom and I met in our 7th grade Social Studies class and we have quite a history. My most wonderful friend Adriane picked him up at the train station, so I got to see her too. As it turned out, in addition to Tom, my brother Mike and his beautiful wife came to visit from New Jersey! Then my brother Nick came over. I was astounded, sitting there in my little living room, surrounded by people I love. It was amazing. Tom had to go to his parent’s Anniversary lunch at Mama Lombardi’s, which kinda SUCKED because we only had a little bit of time with him, but I’m grateful for the time we had. The rest of us (well, Nick had a boat show to attend) then went to Bobby Flay’s new burger place at the Smith Haven Mall, and my father met us there! The food was yummy; I was hungry, and I ate.
The downside to the day brought on a feeling that I can’t describe. Maybe there isn’t one word that can describe what it feels like to have a husband who battles two chronic illnesses. My husband Bill has Multiple Sclerosis and Ulcerative Colitis. Both diseases suck, although I do thank God that he is doing well with both of them. The UC is under control right now after a really rough period last spring, and the MS is amazingly in check right now. Bill had an MRI last week, and all of his lesions have remained the same, no new ones, PRAISE GOD. Unfortunately, he has to take a shot of Avonex once a week that makes him feel like shit for up to several days, and yesterday was one of those days. I was really worried; he looked terrible and appeared to be very pale and weak. When he feels bad, it is hard for him to hide it. He is just not one of these people who can put on a smile when he feels like shit. This made it hard for me on two levels: feeling bad for him feeling bad, and feeling bad for myself having to “make nice” with everyone else who was there and him not feeling well. Bill’s MS has not affected him physically, but it has affected him emotionally and mentally. His cognitive abilities are affected, and he can have mood swings, but they have improved with medication. I nearly always feel the pressure of having to keep things “light” for the benefit of my children and myself, because it can get heavy when you live with MS. So I guess there is no one feeling for this, and aside from being really grateful that Bill is doing well overall, none of the other feelings associated with it are very good.
Fear. I am afraid of failing. Next week I will be starting a mentorship program for my dream job, teaching two college classes online. I want to do well so badly, and I am really praying and believing God to give me all that I need to do well. I know that with His help I will. I need to let go of the things I cannot control (insert Serenity Prayer here), in life and in recovery. My biggest fear of failing is not being left with any options if I do fail. In this mentorship, I spend a week preparing for the class, then 9 weeks teaching with a mentor to guide me through, followed by a week of grading and posting the grades. When I complete this, they can invite me to officially become a faculty member. I have never wanted anything so badly in my life.
Hunger. I am hungry. Time for breakfast. Right now, my focus in recovery is to eat when I am hungry. This is a new skill for me. God help me.
